thereisaplace

There is a Place……

As her mother entered the room Sandra knew something was horribly wrong. The expression gave it away, the sunken shallow eyes, the pasted on attempt at a comforting smile, and finally the small glistening dew drop that rolled gently down her cheek.

Sandra immediately went to the defensive. “It didn’t….he isn’t….”

The only answer was a slight nod and another tear. Being there in Roman’s last moments was tough but this was bound to be a lot tougher.

Sandra turned quickly away gluing her eyes to the nearest window, watching the branches of the nearby trees shiver slightly in the breeze. The silence was deafening and lasted several minutes that seemed like hours. In one way she wanted her to leave, maybe come back in and say it was all some cruel joke. Down deep she knew this was not a prank that her mother would ever play. Slowly her head swung to face the figure still standing in the doorway.

Suddenly, in a fit of blind rage, her eyes turned fierce and she ran fists clenched headlong into her mother’s waiting arms.

Sandra sobbed heavily, mixing in with a hollow scream. “Why did you send me back to the house?!! Why?” Her fists had unclenched and she swatted wildly at anything within arms reach.

By this point they were both crying. “You didn’t need to see that. Maybe I was wrong, but you had been with him for the last hour and he knew how much you cared.”

“But I should have been there!!! Maybe it wouldn’t have happened!! Maybe he wouldn’t have gone!!” All logic failed, there had to be some reason, someone to blame.

Her mother patted the child’s head, pulling herself together to be strong for the one that now needed her most. “Roman was very sick. He stayed with you as long as he could, he was very brave and very strong and now you must be.”

“It’s not fair!!! He wasn’t that old!!” Sandra screamed loudly, the words muffled as her head buried tightly in her mother’s chest.

The soothing words continued, hoping to make a difference. “I know it isn’t fair. Sometimes things happen and maybe they shouldn’t.”

The explanation was abruptly cut short as a rumbling stirred in Sandra’s body. The emotions of a twelve year old trying to deal with what was to her the unimaginable, were unleashed once more with fury. “You’re right it shouldn’t have! Roman was my horse. My best friend! He can’t be dead!!! Why?!” Her face had turned bright red and tears streamed in torrents down both cheeks. She shot a harsh glare upwards as if still searching for someone to blame.

Her mother gently pulled the child back to her arms with only a mild struggle offered. “I know it hurts. You will miss him, but every time you ride he will be there with you.”

The voice from below fell to a barely audible whisper. “I’ll never ride again, I can’t.”

The response was firm but compassionate. “You will, you must, it’s too much a part of you. In fact it’s one of the best parts of you.”

Sandra pulled away again, the fight gone replaced only by sorrow. “How? I can’t replace him and I will certainly never forget him.”

“No one is asking you to forget him and no one is asking you to replace him either. There is a part of him in you and that part will never die and never be replaced. Still, you can’t stop riding, you love it too much and he wouldn’t want you to.”

Sandra stood quietly, hearing the words but not ready to give in to them just yet.

Her mother continued. “If you let this stop you from being able to love another horse then it becomes a true tragedy. Roman was lucky to have such a kind and caring owner and to deny others that opportunity would take away so much of the good that came from his life. All of the good memories you have to cherish, it’s what happened today that you must forget in time.”

The tears had slowed and now a Kleenex was required to repair a runny nose. Sandra sheepishly looked into her mother’s eyes. “What happens now?” It just hurts so much and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I’ll never be happy again.” Two long healthy honks reverberated through the Kleenex as if to punctuate the sentence.

“Well you have to grieve, I’d be more worried if you didn’t. You can come down with me to say goodbye and then we will lay him to rest in a place where you can visit as often as you like.”

Sandra nodded shuffling slowly towards the door. “I’d like that.” On the way the tears began in waves once more.

Mother’s intuition sensed that more re-assurance was necessary. She stopped her daughter by placing a tight arm around a slumping shoulder. “I believe Roman is in a better place now, somewhere where he is no longer suffering.”

The child looked up. “You mean like heaven?” Her face brightened but the expression seemed a little quizzical.

“Kind of like that. There is a place where all horses go, a place with lush green meadows and cool shady trees. The grass grows so long and so fast that it never depletes and the sun shines all day, only to be replaced by a warm misty rain every evening.”

The crying subsided to a mild whimper. “He liked the grass but really liked his oats especially mixed with a sloppy beet pulp to suck on.” Sandra’s eyes began to glaze into a far off stare.

Her mother almost laughed, every horse has their little quirks and it’s often those little habits we come to miss most. “Everything he loved in this life will be there whenever he wants. It’s never too hot and never too cold, with no flies or mosquitoes, only the wandering herds stretching as far as the eye can see."

Sandra had stopped moving completely, standing statuesque as if trying to picture this in her mind. “But Roman got beat up by other horses, don’t they fight?” A look of concern developed.

“They don’t need to fight. There is enough food for all and no reason for shelter. They can run and play all they wish.”

For the first time that day a small smile came to Sandra’s face, then it began to fade again. “But there aren’t any people? No one’s allowed?”

Her mother patted her shoulder, winking. “Of course there are people, just not all the time. Horses have been our companions for far too long to believe that they could truly be happy without us all together. All of the good horse owners and riders are allowed to visit whenever they wish when their time comes.”

Sandra’s eyes lowered. “ I wish I could go there right now.”

This was obviously not meant the way it sounded, yet was easily understood. “No, it won’t be your time for many years to come. Besides you have so many more horses in your future to love and spoil.”

“But if it’s too long he won’t remember me and I’ll miss him.”

“He’ll always remember you. I don’t believe they ever forget the people who loved them. He’ll be waiting when it’s your time.”

The tears were beginning to dry, and the pain seemed to have subsided enough to allow Sandra to face what lay ahead. “Can I go riding in the forest, like we used to?”

The questions kept coming but a mother’s answers are always there. “In this place the forest trails stretch for miles and there are streams and babbling brooks of the clearest water that you could ever see. It’s more beautiful than your wildest dreams.”

“And absolutely no bugs?”

“Absolutely none.”

“Good cause Roman hated deer flies and mosquitoes. They were the only part of our trail rides he couldn’t stand.”

One more hug and it was time to move on. “I think you are ready to face this now. Just remember a large part of him will always live in here.” She poked Sandra lightly on the chest right over her heart. “The rest of what made him the wonderful animal that he was is in that place, so when you are saying goodbye it’s not really forever.”

“Thank you Mommy.” Came the reply. “I guess we’ll have to be strong together now.”

The mother couldn’t help smile but nearly broke down herself. Sandra hadn’t called her mommy since she was six, thought it was a baby thing. Somehow she must have felt it was comforting at this moment.

“Yes dear, we’ll have to be strong for each other. He would have wanted it that way.”

(Paula and Duke at his last show)

Dedicated to Roman Straw Duke and all the other loyal steeds whose passing came much too soon. May we meet again when it’s our turn to cross that rainbow bridge in the future.